Trektanic
by DeliciousNewYork
Summary: Titanic AU,because why not? "Spock stood out among the teeming masses with his stoic glare, and soured expression. Also, he had pointy ears and weird eyebrows and that was kinda crazy looking in England just after the turn of the century." K/S comedy ahoy
1. Chapter 1

**Surely the world needs a completely ridiculous AU. **

**Rose-Spock**

**Jack-Kirk**

**Cal- Uhura**

**And the rest will be pretty self-explanatory. **

Spock peered up from under the brim of large hat topped with an even larger bow. An Olympic-class ocean liner loomed above him: Titanic. "Thanks for holding my hat, bitch" Nyota Uhura, his fiancé, said as she whipped the hat from his head. She winked at him as she smacked his ass. "You're so lucky, Spock. It's sweet the way she dotes on you," Spock's father added. Sarek greatly enjoyed the upper-class status his son's engagement to the wealthy steel tycoon, Uhura, had afforded him. "Father," Spock clipped, "We're vegetarians. Is it really appropriate for you to be wearing a mink coat?" Sarek snuggled into the brand new coat, "Oh, son, you just don't know how to live! Besides, it's not like I'm eating the coat." Uhura linked her arm with Spock's, adding, "Your father's right, baby. Why don't you enjoy all the shit I buy you in an effort to compensate for my empty love?" With this, Uhura handed Spock a solid gold brick. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" Spock asked. Uhura only answered with a roll of her eyes that seemed to say, "Oh, Spock." It was as though he was a child asking silly questions. Uhura led them into the crowd and towards the ship.

The White Star Line dock in Southampton was electric with excitement for the voyage to come. Spock stood out among the teeming masses with his stoic glare, and soured expression. Also, he had pointy ears and weird eyebrows and that was kinda crazy looking in England just after the turn of the century. "Why does that man have pointy ears?" questioned a passing child. "I think he's…Armenian or something," the parent answered.

Spock would always remember April 10th, 1912, as the day he was imprisoned. This was no luxury liner he was getting on—it was a slave ship. This was a voyage of the damned, and he was the damned! Yes, the ship had hit the fan. Spock had a boatload of problems on his hands. This maritime voyage would not be a merry time. He would—

"SPOCK!" his father yelled. "Stop with the stupid boat puns! We get it! You don't want to go because I'm forcing you into a loveless marriage and you're using our trip on the Titanic as a poorly veiled metaphor. Can we just please get on the ship before too many lower class people stink it up with their poverty spores?"

Spock did not realize he'd been speaking his thoughts aloud.

* * *

Jim Kirk stared at the cards before him. The smoke filled, beer soaked pub was making his head spin. A bead of sweat dripped down his temple as another card was turned over. Dammit! He thought as he saw the black 10 of spades. It definitely wasn't the card he needed. He cast a sideways glance at his best friend Leonard McCoy.

"Bones," he whispered, "I don't know if I can win this." McCoy was already out of the game. It was up to Jim to win everything back that they had lost, as well as gain tickets to America aboard the Titanic. Jim held his breath as another card was revealed.

The Ace of Diamonds finally revealed itself. Finally, the card he needed.  
YES!!! WOOOOO!" Jim jumped out of his chair. "You can all suck it!! Those tickets are mine! I'm king of the world!!"

Every head in the pub turned to stare at the crazy blond American man. Kirk methodically began to place cards on top of cards. The hearts, and spades were almost done. With the Ace of Diamonds, he was able to complete all four suites.

The clock struck the hour. Jim looked up at it, a frazzled and quickly placed the last King down.

"Bones! Gather our winnings! We gotta go if we're gonna make it to the boat!"

Jim took a last look around the empty table. God, he was awesome at solitaire.

Jim and Bones linked hands – but not too tightly. God, they weren't gay or anything – as they skipped towards the magnificent ship. Sure, they should've hurried, but Jim had a pretty good idea that the plot wouldn't be able to move forward without his presence.  
At the very last moment they leaped onto the boat. McCoy made it on skillfully, but Jim missed the doorframe by just a little and ended up hanging onto the edge, his legs dangling over the water.

"Never let go, Jim!" McCoy shouted as he reached a hand down to help his friend.

"Shut up, Bones," Jim said as he pulled himself to safety. "Who the hell would say something like that?"

Bones nodded and started down the hallway to their quarters. "I can't wait to get to America. I'm gonna be a doctor."

Jim snorted as he kicked in the door to their room. "As if. You'll never amount to anything with an accent like that."

* * *

Elsewhere on the ship, Uhura and Spock were unpacking their belongings. Spock had nicely laid out all of his shirts and pants and ties in nice piles on the bed. Uhura, though, jumped on the bed and asked, "So when do we get to fuck?"

Spock wrinkled his nose. "After I hang the million paintings that I brought on board the ship I will consider it." He was lying. He never wanted to fuck her.

Uhura yawned and stretched out on the bed. "Why did you buy those ugly things anyway? They look like dog barf, or the barf of some orphan who works in my steel factory."

"How dare you call my paintings ugly!" Spock proclaimed, holding back tears. "They are Picassos! 188,429 Picassos can't be ugly!"

Later, as Spock and Sarek made their way up to dinner, they passed a bright green woman named Gaila walking around in a mink bikini. While Sarek admired the mink, he did not appreciate her showiness.

"Father," Spock whispered, "did you notice that…"

"Yes, I did," he sneered. "How appalling. Women should not dress like that."

"No, Father, I meant how she was green…"

* * *

Captain Pike stood proudly on his new ship. It was love at first sight. "Oh my sweet lady Titanic," he mused to himself, "You're pretty hot. I'm gonna sail your brains out until your begging for more. The love I feel for you is so deep I could see myself dying with you in a horrible, yet totally preventable tragedy."

A cough from his first officer disrupted his reverie. "Sir?" Hikaru Sulu questioned.

"Ah, yes. There you are Mr. Sulu. Let's take this bitch to full speed!"

Sulu smiled, "Sounds like a plan."

Both of them stood completely still, waiting for the other to move.

"Oh..uh, were you gonna…?"

"Oh, I thought maybe you'd…"

They both laughed nervously.

"Captain, do you know how to sail a ship?"

"Uhh…not really, no. But I do know how to look good in a uniform."

"Huh, well I don't really know how either."

They both shared another awkward silence.

"Well, c'mon. We'll just keep this steering wheel thing going and call it good," The captain said.

"Sounds good. Let's celebrate with a cigar!" Sulu said, pulling out two cigars.

"Awesome! I'll even use this manual titled 'WHAT TO DO IF YOU SEE A BIG FUCKING ICEBERG" to light the cigars in a dramatic way."

Pike lit the manual and then lit the cigars. Nothing could go wrong!

**First chapter. Did you laugh? Cry? Burst into flame? **


	2. Chapter 2

Spock sat listlessly at the dinner table. He was unimpressed and nearly disgusted at the opulence spread out before him. Titanic had spared no expense in their cuisine, but the wasteful spending didn't upset Spock the most.

"Father, why are there starved, peasant children standing by the table?" Spock queried.

Each table in the first-class dining hall was accompanied with two or three pitiful looking children.

"Titanic provides every luxury for its high-end guests!" Nero Ismay, the managing director of The White Star Lines, answered.

"Um, how is this a luxury?"

"Oh Spock," Sarek finally chimed in, "How can anyone possibly enjoy their wealth if they can't enjoy it while simultaneously seeing how miserable other people are? Geez, I'm pretty sure that's even in the Bible!"

"Yes, it was Jesus' 5th commandment for livin' large and livin' in charge," Nero added piously.

Uhura laughed at the shivering children. "These kids remind me of the orphans I use to run my steel mills, except they don't have that crazed scurvy look yet." Uhura then smiled around a mouthful of scrambled Bald Eagle eggs as the children looked on with sadness and hunger.

"Oh I don't know what satisfies me more! This ridiculously expensive food or the tears of peasant children!" Sarek mused.

Spock was ready to projectile vomit, but opted instead to sneak a piece of bread to the children.

"Don't you think this is abnormally cruel and just…well, weird?" Spock posed to the entire table.

Everyone grumbled at what a friggen downer Spock was being.

"Well hell! Look at this sorry lookin' group," a green woman nearly yelled. Spock had seen her before and marveled at her curious coloring.

"I asked around," Sarek whispered to his son, "Apparently that's Gaila Green. She just got wealthy after starting a company that makes…well, let's call them adult toys."

Spock's eyebrows flew up. Curious. The woman took a seat next to Nero, as he both groaned and looked down her mink bikini top.

"What's got you all lookin' so down?" she asked.

"Spock, the party pooper was just ruining our good time by pointing out our over-the-top cruelty," Nero sneered.

"Hmm," she pondered, looking at the children. "This does seem to be a bit harsh, and kinda useless."

Spock perked up a bit at Gaila's defense.

"I suppose you're right, Miss Green," Nero answered, "It is somewhat wasteful. We could have these children shoveling coal during the day and then watching us eat at night!"

That was too much for Spock. He stood up, throwing down his napkin. "I'm going to go and fling myself off the ship! That's how much you all disgust me. I would rather throw myself overboard and hope I land directly in the mouth of a shark than sit here with you anymore!"

"Oh Spock," Uhura said, rolling her eyes. Much like the rest of the table, she had ignored what he said. "Could you dangle this in front of one of the starving children for me?" Uhura asked him, holding up a chicken leg.

With that, Spock ran to find mercy in sweet, sweet death.

"So….who wants to hear about my design for a steam-powered vibrator?" Gaila Green asked.

* * *

But while Spock was contemplating sweet, sweet death, Jim was hanging out on the third class deck and instructing the other passengers how to fight.

"And then, you come at the guy and you jack him in the throat! Isn't that great?"

The crowd cheered approvingly.

"Not bad," a man said as he stepped through the crowd. "But can you fight me?"

Jim frowned. "Who are you?"

"Name's McCoy. Leonard McCoy."

Jim twitched and glanced back at his friend Bones. "But I already have a friend named Leonard McCoy, you can't be McCoy, too!"

"Yeah!" said Bones 1.

The new McCoy shrugged. "That's my name."

"Is there anyone else named Leonard McCoy?"

Another man raised his hand.

"Well shit. Who is the real McCoy here?"

The three McCoys looked at each other

and shrugged again.

Jim sighed. "Okay, original and slightly Italian McCoy, you will be Bones 1. Second and Irish McCoy, you will be Bones 2. Third and random McCoy, you will be Bones 3. Does that work for everyone?"

"Si!"

"Aye!"

"Yeah, okay. I'm just happy to be part of a group."

Jim shook his head at his McCoy posse and looked up at the first class deck. The first thing he saw a really hot chick with a huge rack. Like, she was really hot. And not really wearing much clothing. She was sun tanning, actually, which was weird 'cause it was night. Jim wondered if he could rub slippery lotion all over that hot body of hers so she could work on her moon tan.

But then something caught his eye.

It was a hot chick but she was green. Jim liked the color green. He thought about how he had never had sex with a woman that was green. He wanted to rip off her mink bikini and spend some quality time with her.

And yet…his eyes pulled him elsewhere.

This time, he saw a…a dude? But no, there was something different about this dude. This dude seemed to be composed, yet also on the verge of tears. Jim felt bad for people that

looked like they were composed yet on the verge of tears. That's how he had met Bones 1, actually. They were both taking a class on solitaire techniques and they both looked like they were on the verge of tears. But composed.

But right, anyway, the dude. What really struck Jim about the man were his pointed ears. Was he…what, Greek or something? Jim had never met anyone with pointed ears.

Jim immediately needed to know what licking pointed ears felt like.

The composed man on the verge of tears with pointed ears made his way across the deck. Judging by his clothes, Jim recognized someone from the upper class. Also, the guy's ass looked smokin' hot. Staring at that ass, and thinking about licking those oh so pointy ears, Jim left his Bones posse and followed the stranger.  
Jim tried to keep up, but the purposeful stride of the pointy eared dude was too much for him. Jim lost sight of his goal, but decided he wanted to see the rest of the ship anyway. Hey, maybe he could look at the propeller?!? That's a novel idea.

With a new goal in mind, Jim set off for the rear of the ship, hoping to catch a glimpse of a gigantic propeller.  
Spock stared out at the vast expanse of water. He carefully swung one leg over the railing and clutched on for dear life as he brought the other leg over. It wouldn't do to go over when he wasn't completely prepared for it!  
Spock sighed as he thought about how horrible his life was and how disgusted he was by everyone that was in it. With one more sigh, Spock leaped from his precarious position on the back of the ship.

Jim causally strolled up to the back of the ship. He was getting really jazzed to see the propellers. They would like spin and make the ship move and shit. He walked up to the edge and placed his hands on the railing before leaning over to get a good look. And he couldn't see a damn thing.

"Fuck me, it's night! I can't see a fucking thing. Oh fuck my cock!" Jim kicked the ship at this point, terribly upset that he wouldn't see the propellers tonight.

"Um, oh hey, a little help here…" Jim looked behind him, puzzled at who was speaking to him.

"Hey yeah, not behind you. Look down again." And Jim looked down once more and this time allowed his eyes to adjust to the darkness.

"Hey!!!" Jim shouted, "You're that dude with the pointy ears!" And then Jim remembered how much he wanted to lick those pointy ears.  
"Um yeah," Jim continued, "I'm gonna go get like some rope or something. And then he left.  
Spock sighed. He really didn't know how well his pants would hold up. After all, the pants getting caught on a rivet were the only reason he hadn't plunged to an icy death.

"No, don't help me up. I wish to embrace death in a final act of rebellion against my emotionally dead father and fiancé," Spock called. "So, if you could, like, maybe throw something that would knock me off I would be very appreciative. I'll even promise to have your name be my last words! What's your name?"

Suddenly Spock found himself skillfully lassoed around his waist.

"The name is Jim," his rescuer called down as he pulled Spock up. "And I wouldn't mind it being the last thing you ever say, but not tonight."

"Oh, that was a really cheesy line," Spock groaned.

"Okay well we're living in a universe based off of a film that James Cameron wrote. Of course some dialogue is gonna be shitty."

"Hm. True."

Jim had pulled Spock up far enough for the aristocrat to grab hold of the rail.

"Okay now before I pull you over, I have something to say," Jim started as he knelt down to untie his shoes.

"I appreciate your compassion, but I fear your efforts have been in vain. There is nothing you could do or say to convince me to live. And don't think about jumping in after me. Don't bother with your shoes."

Jim kicked off his shoes, his socks followed, but then got to work on his pants. "I wasn't gonna jump after you, I was just taking off my clothes."

Spock was rather dumbfounded.

"….Why?"

"I'm trying to convince you to live, right? Well I figure my naked body is a pretty good argument!"

Spock was about to counter his argument when he was interrupted by a loud SMACK Jim landed on his own ass.

"Ta da! Behold my ass and feel the desire to live!!"

The man's powers of persuasion were potent, Spock thought. It was a valid reason to live. Though, he wasn't being shallow or anything. He looked at that ass and saw an artist. A seeker of beauty and truth. He saw a kindred spirit in that ass. Also, he wanted to pinch it a little.

With his mind made up, Spock swung a leg over to embrace his reason to live.

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Sarek, Uhura, and Uhura's henchmen found them.

"What the hell is going on here?" Uhura yelled.

Spock had some explaining to do…

**Dun dun dunnnnn!! Have I emotionally compromised you with the epic romanticness? **


	3. Chapter 3

**It's been a while, but it's never too late for crazy, crack-tastic fun, is it? Nope. **

"Spock!" Sarek cried, thoroughly scandalized. "What are you doing un-chaperoned?"

"Well, remember at dinner when I was saying how I wanted to kill myself?"

Spock only received a blank stare.

"I was doing that. I was trying to kill myself."

More blank stares.

Spock rolled his eyes and adopted an innocent tone, "I wanted to see the propellers , but I just couldn't, so I bent over and whoopsies! I nearly fell in! Thankfully this young man was here to save me."

"Oh of course!" Sarek said.

"Pshh, men and machinery just don't mix!" Uhura claimed, walking up to Spock to wrap an arm around his waist. "They start looking at all the parts and then they'll think about dresses, or flowers, or babies, or pink shit, and just forget what's happening and BAM! They need someone to rescue them. Isn't that right, babe?"

Spock only answered with a grumble.

"Remember, the only time I want you bending over is when I have you in that maid uniform!" Uhura added.

Completely creeped out by the glimpse into Uhura's kinks, everyone hoped for some character to say something so the scene could move on. Luckily, Deliciousnewyork made Jim talk next.

"Well I should get going," Jim said.

"Nonsense!" said Lord Eldsworth Moneybags, one of Sarek's and Uhura's friends. "This boy is a hero! He should dine with us tomorrow night!"

"What an excellent idea," Uhura stated, though her tone indicated she was less than pleased with the idea.

"C'mon, Spock. Let's get back to the room before you faint." Uhura took his arm and began to lead him away.

"Bye Jim," Spock said before turning to leave.

Uhura handed Spock off to his father so she could stay back and have a word with one of her henchmen.

"I couldn't help but notice that this Jim was naked the whole time…..that makes me think something might be up. Keep your eye on him for me," she said in a low voice.

"Wow, Uhura, that's a good catch! You're so clever."

* * *

The next morning found Spock searching the deck for his rescuer. He found him in a deck chair, working intently over a sketchbook.

"Excuse me, Jim?"

Jim looked up. "Spock! What are you doing here? Isn't this crowd a little beneath you?"

Spock had intended to thank Jim, but Jim's presumption was a bit off-putting.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?"

"C'mon, I've seen social circle you're in, and they certainly wouldn't want you here."

"That may be true, but I don't care what they think!"

"Hmmm…some of the time. Still, you play their rich people games, and eat their rich people food, and other rich people stuff. You need to learn to lighten up. Have some fun! Maybe then you wouldn't be trying to kill yourself…or at least if you did kill yourself, people wouldn't be saying 'Aw, poor little rich boy' instead they'd be saying 'Hey, did you hear? That bum that performs a puppet show to kids in the ghetto killed himself, what a shame.'"

Spock was a bit dumbfounded. "….what?"

"Look," Jim continued, "My point is that you could be more than some steel tycoon's husband. Don't you think?"

"I…er..that is…"

Spock tried to answer but found himself getting caught up in Jim's work.

"Did you draw this?" he asked, taking the book from Jim. He flipped through the pages to find them filled with exquisite sketches.

"Uh…yeah, I draw on the side here and there," Jim said sheepishly. Most people didn't appreciate his work. He wasn't interested in drawing the conventional things.

"These are beautiful! Is this a donkey with its..?"

"Yeah, and he's kinda getting' all up in his.."

"Oh yes! I see!" Spock flipped the page to a new drawing.

"My god, how you've captured this elderly woman's strap-on is….it's just practically poetry."

"Geez, Spock, you're making me blush."

Spock smiled gently and handed him his sketchbook.

"I should be going. I look forward to seeing you at dinner," Spock said before departing.

Jim sighed softly as he watched Spock retreat. It really was such a lovely view. It's a damn good thing he stopped that from going overboard. Jim's next thought was that the best way to pass the time before dinner was to spit off the deck into the ocean. Clearly, with his background, what else could be expected? He played games with his spit, trying to see how far out he could get it to go, or how long of a string his spit would make before gravity took over and pulled the spit from his mouth. He would have been content to spit right through lunch, all afternoon and right up until dinner, but suddenly a perfectly manicured fingernail attached to a very green, slender finger trailed its way up his arm.

"I should have known you would be a spitter," Gaila Green purred as she promptly moved her arm from his bicep to his ass.

Usually, Jim would not object to a hand on his ass. Usually, he actually preferred when a handshake was skipped altogether and groping would ensue instead. However, Jim thought of how Spock's eyes lit up when he saw his drawings. He stepped out of Gaila's grasp.

Jim cleared his throat. "...is there, uh, anything I can help you with?"

Gaila smiled. "I hear you are having dinner with us tonight. What were you planning on wearing?"

Jim looked down at what he currently had on. The ratty trousers and faded cotton shirt were bad enough...but the suspenders really had to go. He looked back up at Gaila helplessly.

"Let's go find you an outfit!" She squealed. "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Spock was sitting through a particularly painful brunch with his fiance. Uhura was recounting a particularly horrid tale about her steel mills. She was gesturing with her utensils, chewing with her mouth open and would even stand up to pace or give a hip thrust.

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Uhura ran from their dining room into the bedroom. She came out with a rather large jewelry box. "I got you a present! Don't say I never do anything for you!"

Spock took the box gingerly into his hand. The hinges squeaked as his slowly opened the lid. Inside, nestled in red velvet, was the most hideous thing Spock had ever seen. It was a diamond studded dog collar. In the very center was a giant blue diamond. The Heart of the Ocean. Spock looked at Uhura in horror.

"I got a matching leash too! Now you can really be my bitch! I was gonna just get you the necklace, but the slave collar metaphor was too subtle!"

Spock closed the box, desperately thinking of an excuse not to wear the collar.

* * *

Jim sighed in frustration. Gaila had chosen so many outfits for him, but nothing was right. The leather bustier and hot pants were too confining. He wanted to be able to breath when he was with all the stuffy rich people. He had the same problem with the old west cowboy motif. Gaila even tried to convince him that her mink bikini was the perfect choice. But nothing seemed to be working.

Finally, though, after many trials and tribulations, they had found the perfect outfit for dinner.

Jim strode through the door to the grand dining hall sporting jeans, a white t-shirt, and a leather jacket. Gaila was dressed in a poodle skirt. Just a poodle skirt.

"Someone is forty years ahead of the times," Uhura snarled. She was secretly jealous that she couldn't pull off leather.

Gaila and Jim took their seats together. Jim secretly rejoiced that he was across from Spock. This would make playing footsie a breeze.

"Everyone," Gaila announced, "this is Jim Kirk. He'll be joining us for dinner. He's just so adorable!"

Jim flashed a smile. Everyone was entranced. Everyone but Sarek and Uhura, that is.

"Welcome aboard, laddie!" Montgomery Scott cheered. He leaned over and shook hands with the strapping young man. "Name's Scott and I built this here boat."

"Ah yes, but will it sink?" asked Pike. He was sitting at the head of the table, sipping some brandy, his feet up on an ottoman.

Sulu scoffed. "Never! The Titanic is the best ship ever!"

Pike and Sulu clinked glasses of brandy and downed them both in one gulp.

Jim's eye twitched. "Ummmm, who is steering the ship?"

"Nobody!" Pike answered with excitement.

"Uh, you don't see a problem with that?"

"Hell, nah!" Pike answered. "I just add water to the powder and then mix it a little, pop it in the tiny pink oven and BAM! In 15 minutes I have my own personal brownie!"

"Um, I'm pretty sure you're thinking of an EasyBake Oven," Jim said.

Pike pondered this for a minute. "No..no, I'm pretty positive that that's how the ship operates."

"How did you come to this conclusion?"

"I read the instructions! Some of them were in Chinese or some fuckin' think. I asked Ching Chong over here," Pike pointed over to Sulu, who frowned, "but he didn't know."

"For the millionth time! My name is Sulu and I'm Japanese. Why would you expect me to be able to read Chinese?"

"Chinese and Japanese are interchangeable terms like 'car' and 'automobile.' They're the same thing."

Sulu just stared.

"….they're so not."

"Whatever!" Jim exclaimed. "Captain, when you read the instructions what was at the top of the page?"

"Uh, it said 'how to use the Easy Bake Oven'….ooooooh yeah. Okay, I see how you're kinda right," Pike realized.

"C'mon, Panda Pal," Pike said, slapping Sulu on the shoulder, "Let's go steer the ship."

The two left, with Sulu grumbling expletives in Japanese.

Spock gawked at Jim, awestruck. "Mr. Kirk, that was completely logical. You have great powers of deduction."

Jim shot Spock a dirty, sexy wink.

"So Mr. Kirk. What do you do for a living?" Sarek asked, an eyebrow raised so high it was threatening to jump off and join a traveling circus.

"I'm an artist!" Jim proclaimed proudly.

"And a budding businessman," Gaila jumped in. "I've seen his sketches and he is so gifted. Once we get back to New York, we're going to team up and create the wildest sex toys this side of the Atlantic!"

Spock cleared his throat. "Tell us one of your tales!"

Jim grinned and settled back in his chair. "Sure, I've got a tale. I can trace his lineage back beyond Charlemagne. At first, I was on a mountain near Jerusalem, praying to God, asking his forgiveness for the Saracen blood spilt by my sword. Next, in Italy, I saved a fatherless beauty from the would-be ravishing of her dreadful Turkish uncle. In Greece I spent a year in silence just to better understand the sound of a whisper. I am the seeker of serenity, the protector of Italian virginity, the enforcer of our Lord God, the one, the only, Sir Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiim Kiiiiiiiiiiirk!"

Everyone oooo'd and awwww'd over Jim Kirk's exploits. Except for Sarek. He asked, "Isn't that from A Knight's Tale?"

"No," Jim replied.

"I think it is."

"You're wrong."

Spock beamed that Jim was standing up to his father.

All too quickly dinner was over and the men headed off to the smoking room. Scotty was about to invite Jim to join them when Uhura cut him off.

"Well Jane," she started.

"It's Jim, actually," Jim corrected.

"Whatever. We men are going to go have a smoke and we've had enough of your little poor boy puppet show, so if you could get a move on, that'd be great."

"Alright, I can take a hint," Jim said, standing up to leave.

"Spock, it was lovely dining with you." Jim took Spock's hand, kissed it while slipping a note in there on the sly.

Spock blushed, and looked around to assure that everyone had gone back to ignoring him. Carefully, he opened the note.

_Spock-_

_Tonight we're gonna party._

_I'm talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk  
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk  
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk  
Meet me by the clock._

_Tick tock, by the clock  
The party don't stop no_

_--xxxxxoxxxoooxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Jim_

Spock smiled and made a run for the clock.

**AN: What's a trashy, classless party without Kesha? Anyway. Thoughts? **


End file.
